‘Sudbury Moms Share their Stories a place for local moms here in Sudbury to get the opportunity to share their stories, experiences and wisdom from Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting!
This is a safe space where moms can share their stories without worry of judgement.
This is a place of support, love and understanding.
This is a place for the moms of Sudbury to uplift, empower and encourage one another.
This is Carley’s Story <3.
Why I will never get excited about being pregnant again.
When I say I will never be excited to be pregnant again, I say that as a women who has gone through
3 consecutive miscarriages. For any one who has gone through one I think you will know exactly what I am talking about.
You see, ever since I can remember I have always wanted a big family, big meaning more than one as I come from a single child family. I always longed for that connection that siblings seem to have. When my husband and I decided to start a family we never imagined the long journey it would take us on. They always teach you that all it could take it the “one” time and bam your pregnant. It took us 6 plus months to conceive. When it finally happened we were ecstatic. I surprised my husband with the news. The last thing on my mind was miscarriage, I had heard about them but never thought it could actually happen to me.
Becoming a mom.
We waited the 3 months before telling our friends and family just to be safe. I still remember the look in my Dads eyes when surprising him with the news. That is once he figured it out, I had brought him lunch which was a Papa burger for him and a Mama burger for myself. My entire pregnancy was amazing. I felt beautiful and confident. It was a joyous time and I remember thinking I didn’t want it to end mostly because I was terrified to be a mom (that’s a whole other article). My husband and I welcomed our baby girl into the world in the winter of 2011 and the first words out of my mouth were I can’t wait to do this again. Of course I was heavily medicated at that point but nonetheless I loved the entire experience. And don’t get me wrong the birth was not smooth sailing. She had to be vacuumed out because she was stuck, she was also 2 weeks overdue so she had swallowed meconium and was taken away after a brief introduction. She spent two days in the ICU and then we were able to take her home.
Something wasn’t right.
Not knowing how long it would take for us to get pregnant again we started trying when Brook was around 7 months. Much to our surprise I found out I was pregnant the week I returned to work. It couldn’t have been more perfect. Everything was going as planned. This time we felt confident in telling people almost immediately because my first pregnancy had gone so well. That was until one day when I was at work and I could feel something wasn’t right. I went to the washroom my heart pumping out of my chest and as I “checked” myself it was obvious what was happening. I lost our second baby at 9.5 weeks. I was devastated. It wasn’t just loosing the baby but it was having my best friend be pregnant at the same time.(To Read about Jealousy During Pregnancy After Loss CLICK HERE) We were supposed to go through this together and now I had to watch her belly grow and turn into a beautiful baby boy. As devastating as this was I always knew that it could have been worse. I could have been farther along or this could have been my first pregnancy, it did make me appreciate my baby girl that much more.
I couldn’t believe it.
Once recovered my husband and I decided to start trying again, although this time I admit I became slightly obsessed with the idea of getting pregnant. It was difficult, it became hard to stay positive that it was going to happen. I am thankful for my husband who put up with my strange requests like no more hot tubs (even on vacation in Florida!) no keeping the laptop on your lap, and my personal favourite writing “sex” every second day in his calendar. Finally we found out we were pregnant, but this time we were a little more cautious.
We weren’t going tell anyone until I was at least 12 weeks maybe even more. I had felt embarrassed about telling people so soon the previous time. At around 14 weeks we felt comfortable telling people and posting an adorable picture of the three of us with a pair of little booties beside us. Now it was finally happening, I couldn’t wait to find out what we were having. I got home one day and Rob told me the midwives had called, already red flags were going off in my head.
The Midwives never call unless there’s something wrong. So I prepared myself before I called not knowing what they would say. She proceeded to tell me that my blood test had shown that our baby might have Spina Bifida. I couldn’t believe it. All of a sudden my belly felt smaller, something felt off. We discussed our options and it seemed that I would be going to Toronto for amniocentesis. So we began to prepare for the thought of having a baby that could be disabled. It was a lot to take in but we were staying positive. I was 18 weeks when we went to what would be our last midwife appointment. As I stepped onto the bed in their office to take a listen to our baby, I stared at the ceiling waiting and waiting…for the sound of a heartbeat. The longer it took the angrier I got. I couldn’t believe it was happening again. We went to the hospital for an ultrasound to confirm and back the next day to deliver our second little girl. It turns out she had actually passed away sometime between 15-17 weeks and I had been carrying her not knowing. She was so little, she fit in the palm of my hand. We took pictures with her and days later I walked down a hallway in the hospital to pick up my baby and bring her home. She rests in our backyard.
I said to myself never again.
It was a couple of months before I could even think about getting pregnant. At this point we were looking into adoption. That had always been in the back of our minds and it seemed like this would be our only option. But to our surprise I got pregnant again! This time we were in the mind set of whatever happens happens, trying to put less pressure on me. I am a pretty positive person though so I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get my hopes up every time there was a plus sign on the pregnancy test. The worst part was not knowing why this was happening. So instead I just lived as cautiously as possible. Unfortunately as cautious as I was I miscarried at 12.5 weeks. This one was the worst. I had never been in so much pain. I said to myself never again. Adoption it is. I was tired of my body going through these changes and having nothing to show for it. All the while knowing how it could always be worse. Soon after we took a break and had some genetic testing done to see if there was something not compatible between us. No one could really understand why I had one healthy baby and then three losses in a row. The tests came back normal, so again no explanation. We had a choice, keep trying or begin the adoption process. We decided to keep trying.
My 5th time being pregnant.
This whole journey has been a waiting game. Waiting through the pregnancies, waiting for test results and waiting for + sign on pregnancy tests; I swear I must have gone through 50. It is a cruel joke to have the signs of a period match the signs of early pregnancy. A cruel joke.
And just like that I was pregnant again. My 5th time being pregnant, I felt determined. I was now considered “high risk” and you would think that would mean appointments..tests..etc. My first doctors appointment I was 12 wks and he sent me for an ultra sound to “confirm” my pregnancy. It was ridiculous. In the meantime I was able to get in with midwives. Finally, my doctor referred me to a OB and I met with her when I was around 17 weeks. Lucky for me she was amazing. It was really the best possible situation I could have gotten.
My first appointment she put me on Lovenox a blood thinner for a very hard to pronounce blood clotting disorder. It meant that I would be taking a needle everyday for the next 6 months. For anyone who knows me or went to school with me you might remember how I always stood in line for the flu shots but never actually ended up getting it. Lucky for me my husband gives needles on a daily basis so I was in good hands. Not going to lie though, the first needle he gave me I cried like a little baby. But by the end I was doing them all by myself, my mom would have been proud. This particular pregnancy I took extra precaution.
I had a OB and a midwife team. Also, I left my job when I was only 5 months along. I wanted to do everything possible to make sure this was it. I refrained from lifting my beautiful daughter for 9 months. And at the end I was up to 4-5 appointments a week. This pregnancy was different. I could barely eating the beginning, and I love to eat. I had many symptoms which made me feel like something was actually happening in there. Every time I would get that “nauseous” look on my face Rob and I would give each other the thumbs up.
The first ultrasound.
My first ultrasound was especially hard for me. I hadn’t had an official appointment yet so I hadn’t heard the heartbeat. Again I remember sitting in the room staring at the ceiling..just trying to fight back tears..trying not to look at the tech incase she had a troubled look on her face. It was silent forever until she finally asked me if I wanted to see my baby. Yes! My baby! There was a heartbeat.
Immediately after I went to the washroom and it all came rushing out, tears from all the pressure and anxiety I had put on myself. Even though my husband has been there for me, he will never actually know what it feels like to go through a miscarriage, let alone multiple ones. I’m not sure he really understood why I came out of the washroom with red eyes. I admit that through all my miscarriages it has been a very lonely experience. One that as a women you kind of just have to go through yourself. I find it does help to talk to other women who have gone through their own losses. It makes it less lonely knowing your body is not alone in this. It also makes it less difficult to think “why is this happening to me” because 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.
Every ultrasound in this pregnancy there was a heartbeat and every time I was scared to death there wouldn’t be. On our daughter’s 4th birthday we found out we were going to have a boy a “millionaires”family as they say. We couldn’t believe it. I felt the pressure even more. Sure things had been going well up until that point but women lose babies anytime during their pregnancies. I had to push those negative thoughts away everyday that he was inside me. And that is why I’ll never get excited about being pregnant. There is so much to lose but everything to gain.
“I still get excited when I say My Children.”
Fortunately for us after 3 years of waiting and struggling we welcomed a healthy baby boy into the world. A weight had been lifted off me.. literally. He had finally arrived and I was holding him in my arms. He was here and he was healthy. I still get excited when I say “my children,” I’ve been waiting forever to say that.
What I’ve learned is wether you’ve been through one miscarriage or multiple ones, you have to treat each pregnancy like it is going to end in the birth of a child. Because every unborn baby deserves hope..And I thank God for the strength to keep my hopes up.
To my beautiful baby boy; I can’t believe your finally here, I can’t wait to get to know you and I will never take you for granted.
To my darling daughter; Thank you for being so patient, you are a wonderful big sister and I’m so happy we could finally give you someone to play with.
Written by Carley Jensen-Harris.
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