Trigger Warning: The following article is the birth story of my angel baby. The post does not go into great physical details of his actual birth, however it could be emotionally triggering for some.
Three years ago today at 4.5 months pregnant I delivered and said goodbye to my sweet little Zennon; this is his birth story.
On April 9th 2014 I went to my midwife appointment, excited to hear my baby’s heartbeat and talk about “all the baby things.” After the midwife did my routine blood pressure monitoring and inquired as to how I was feeling overall, she asked me to lay down so we could listen to the baby. I remember happily waiting to hear his little heart beat, but after several minutes of trying unsuccessfully she said that she would be sending me for an ultrasound.
At first I tried not to panic, as she remained very calm and composed while telling me that she just wanted to make sure everything was okay. As she was talking I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes. I apologized for crying, but she leaned forward and touched my hand saying it was okay, as if she knew it was time for tears. It was that moment I realized that something might actually be wrong.
Something Was Wrong
The hospital called to say my ultrasound was scheduled in a couple of hours. Waiting for those hours seemed like the longest of my life. I tried to stay hopeful but knew in my heart that something was wrong and it was unbearable. When I finally got into the ultrasound room at the hospital the technician was so quiet. I laid on the bed sobbing, as her silence said it all.
My husband and I had to wait to go meet with our midwife to get the results, at which time she confirmed that our baby’s heart had stopped. In a matter of hours we went from being happily pregnant to learning our baby boy had passed away. That night was the only time I have ever seen my husband cry. It was markedly one of the worst days of my life.
The next day I had to be induced which took place on the labour and delivery floor with all the pregnant women and babies. It was a reminder of what I would not have. The nurses started me on pitocin to begin contractions. We assumed it would be a while before anything would happen so we settled in and tried to get some sleep.
I had contractions the entire night and remember asking the nurse “what does real labour feel like?” She said “honey, what you are doing now is real labour” and was shocked at how well I was coping. (That exact moment would come to be a powerful reminder during my subsequent pregnancies that labour can be calm).
Meeting Our Little Man
I let Max sleep because he rushed there from work and needed the rest. He was surprised to wake up and discover I was in labour all night. In the early morning of April 11, 2014, I delivered Zennon. He was so small that he looked nothing like the full grown baby I imagined I’d be delivering four months later. But he was ours, and he was beautiful.
We got to spend time with him and hold him; talk to him and love him. It may not have been the way we imagined him coming into the world; but I am grateful that we had time with him. I am thankful that we got to see him, and I am so grateful that we got to say goodbye.
We were discharged from the hospital later that day with empty arms and broken hearts, left to pick up the pieces of life without him.
Three Years Later
It has been three years since that day….. three years, two more pregnancies, two more beautiful boys and so many tears (both happy and sad) that I could never count. Zennon was my first baby, he made me a mom. I believe with every fabric of my being that being Zennon’s mom has made me a better mother, doula and person. I will always cherish the short time we had with him.
Happy birthday to my angel baby. I love you so much.
To read more articles about Pregnancy Loss click here.
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